I never believed in the voice overs when a sentence said would plague a character over and over again.
But these three words said by Officer Shidome were so effortless, I can't help but keep hearing them. I hear them all the time. I don't even remember what her voice sounds like, but these three words have piled up in my brain and I see it in block letters and I get this strange feeling in my stomach and chest and throat.
And maybe at this point, you're all worried that I lost my mom or a sister or whatever. But my mom is upstairs on the computer right now, and I've never had a sister.
No, I'm talking about my freaking dog. And if you're laughing at this point, you're a heartless, soulless bitch (or bastard, whichever you prefer).
I mean, you probably think it's freaking ridiculous that I've cried everyday for the past week over my dog's death. You're probably thinking, 'It's not like it's a human. It'd be bad if it was a human. I could understand if it was a human.'
But you will never get it, unless you have or have had one of these selfish bitches (pun intended) yourself.
Like, get this: These little monsters freaking love you unconditionally. We use that phrase so much, I think it's lost every meaning. So just think about it. Unconditionally. Like, you could throw them off the Empire State building and they would still love you. And then you just have to love them back. There's no way out, I swear.
Okay, so then you teach them how to do things like sit and roll over and play dead (but if you're me, you teach the latter by using the phrase 'avada kedavra'). Except, they're so freaking smart that they pick up different phrases you don't even teach them. Like 'Say you're sorry.' or 'Go lay on your bed.'
And then they die in the stupidest way possible. Like, in my case, they get hit by a car. Seriously? You didn't understand that the speeding, metal piece of shit could kill you? It's a billion times your size.
(But not really because you weigh 50 pounds.)
And I'm in such a horrible place right now because I also loved my dog unconditionally. I just kind of pretend it didn't happen so that I don't feel it. Except, I find myself waiting for her to meet me at the door or watch me from the backyard or run down to my room at bedtime and escape under my bed. So then it just hurts that much more.
See, she's messed me up so badly that I didn't cry when I read The Fault in our Stars. It's a freaking book about kids with cancer that fall in love with each other and I didn't cry. I couldn't freaking cry because I wasted all my emotion on this dumb animal. I've shut out most feelings and it's bad and she's just a dog, but this is more than I can handle.
I'm just afraid that this was supposed to prepare me for something greater because I've never experienced what everyone considers real loss.
I'm sorry to those of you who have experienced real loss. Because that must be infinitely worse than this.
Because if this isn't what everyone considers real loss, I don't want to find out what real loss is.
