in with the outro and out with the old

This isn't the first time I've done this.

I've been to Paris.

But I'm coming back because I like what it does to me.

Lately, I've been sitting in lecture halls with hundreds of people and it's really hard to be recognized there.  Except, I think, I don't want to be recognized.  Not for that.  Not for doing what thousands, millions of people are already doing.

Here's the truth:  Nobody cares that you're going to college.  But they ask because it's polite and it's what they're supposed to do. And when they ask you what your major is, they ask with apathy.  And when you tell them you're an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing they wish they didn't ask in the first place.  Nobody cares that you're going to college, especially when it's for overtly impractical reasons.

Except, it's not like that in Paris.  I mean, they still don't care that you're sitting in lecture halls, but they're astounded that you've made it this far in such a remorseless world.  They're astounded that you aren't using a carefully marked map as you venture on a road that probably leads off the edge of some unknown universe into a black abyss as mysterious as your tortured-artist soul.  They're astounded by your blatantly stupid courage.  And you have they're utmost respect.

So I'm back in Paris, among the masses, and it's raining here and it's enough.  It's enough to feel my heart working and my mind turning, and my hands are definitely shaking.  Because Paris is no longer a place, it's a feeling and I'm beginning to feel fine.  But I'm also feeling overwhelmed as it's been a while and I'm hoping I'll be able to do this again.  Although, this time will be entirely changed.

I'm not going to be afraid just for the sake of someone knowing my identity outside of Paris.  I will not tell euphemisms.  I will not obscure the things I say.  My words will be assuredly mine.  Because you don't get recognized for being somebody else.  My name is not Sophie Hatter, but she is who I am.  It's this person I've created beyond the name, beyond the character I've stolen from a book, and I've finally taken over.  So I'm going to live up to it and get real with you guys.  I'll share my innermost self whether you want me or not and I'll probably rub you the wrong way or offend you.  But I don't give a fuck because this is Paris.

- S.H.