yesterday is long ago and far away

I don't know how to write about being happy.

For years, I poured my heart out on this blog. Well, I gave you most of it. The bad parts.

But now I'm happy, and I don't know what to say. I'm getting married, and I don't know what to say.

I don't want to write a post saying, "It gets better." Because I don't know what "better" is for you. Maybe what's good for me, won't be good for you.

But I'm happy, and I wanted to let you know that it got better for me.

I think high school was an okay time. I had friends that I saw every day and I went to easy classes and got mostly A's. But sophomore year was rough and junior year was rough and senior year was whatever. I don't know why, but I cried a lot in high school. I didn't have much to be sad about, but I cried because I needed to feel that. And that was also okay. It's alright to want to feel and not be able to and then just cry because you can.

High school is all for emotional experimentation.

But things got real after graduation. Summer wasn't a thing anymore and I had to learn to pay bills and live on my own. Everyone talked about sex like it was real, because they were really having it. Nobody was who they said they were in high school. And they all did drugs and drank alcohol and I always knew that stuff existed but I didn't really see it until then. It was the first time I didn't feel like a kid anymore.

So freshman year of college was rough. I still cried a lot. I didn't like where I spent my time or who I spent it with.

And then I got over myself. I told myself I didn't have to be around the things I didn't want to be around and I didn't have to feel the way I didn't want to feel. So I still loved the people I spent my time with, but I didn't spend my time doing the things they spent their time doing.

And then I was happy. Bills were easy to pay and I didn't mind living on my own and -- you better listen to this next thing because it's the biggest miracle of all -- I got the boy. The one I pined after through all of high school. I got him. I'm marrying him. And I'm happy.

I got what I wanted and it feels natural. Like my life was supposed to be this. Like it had never been any other way before. Like I deserve this. And I do. I've earned this.

There might be too many words in this post and not enough sense, but I think someone will read this and understand. And someone needs to hear this:

It got better for me. And I'm happy.

- S.H.