you took my soul and wiped it clean

I'm really trying to make sense of this thing I've pinned in my heart.  I feel it there and I feel it flow with my blood and dull in my fingers as I play the melodies of only ever loss.  Because I don't know how to feel anything else right now.  I know it's been a long time and I should be done with this part, but this is the longest heartbreak I've had over something inhuman.

This is the longest heartbreak I've had.

It's all been wrong since that day nearly eight months ago that I stopped knowing how to recognize love.  I mean, when something is torn so viciously away--so suddenly--how is there any other possible outcome than to make it a stranger?

And I completely loathe myself for all of this.

I'm upset that I can't stop writing about it.  Because now I'll always have these words documenting the inner workings of my organs.  My twisted stomach and still heart and beaten lungs.  I've created a diagram of my anatomy.  I've studied it over and over and it's taking up too much space in my brain.  There are more important things I should know.

It's all been wrong since that day four months ago that I still stopped knowing how to recognize love.

I thought she was happy.  But apparently you can't argue with three years and an answer from God.  And I'm still so bitter.  He lost a wife and I lost a sister.

It's all been wrong since that day two hundred twenty two months ago that I never even knew how to recognize love.

Except, I know I had it.  I was told I had it.

I'm really trying to make sense of this thing I've pinned in my heart.  I think it's the absence of love.

- S.H.