Darling, We've Hit Rock Bottom

"She is deceased."

I never believed in the voice overs when a sentence said would plague a character over and over again.
But these three words said by Officer Shidome were so effortless, I can't help but keep hearing them.  I hear them all the time.  I don't even remember what her voice sounds like, but these three words have piled up in my brain and I see it in block letters and I get this strange feeling in my stomach and chest and throat.

And maybe at this point, you're all worried that I lost my mom or a sister or whatever.   But my mom is upstairs on the computer right now, and I've never had a sister.

No, I'm talking about my freaking dog.  And if you're laughing at this point, you're a heartless, soulless bitch (or bastard, whichever you prefer).

I mean, you probably think it's freaking ridiculous that I've cried everyday for the past week over my dog's death.  You're probably thinking, 'It's not like it's a human.  It'd be bad if it was a human.  I could understand if it was a human.'

But you will never get it, unless you have or have had one of these selfish bitches (pun intended) yourself.
Like, get this:  These little monsters freaking love you unconditionally.  We use that phrase so much, I think it's lost every meaning.  So just think about it.  Unconditionally.  Like, you could throw them off the Empire State building and they would still love you.  And then you just have to love them back.  There's no way out, I swear.

Okay, so then you teach them how to do things like sit and roll over and play dead (but if you're me, you teach the latter by using the phrase 'avada kedavra').  Except, they're so freaking smart that they pick up different phrases you don't even teach them.  Like 'Say you're sorry.' or 'Go lay on your bed.'

And then they die in the stupidest way possible.  Like, in my case, they get hit by a car.  Seriously?  You didn't understand that the speeding, metal piece of shit could kill you?  It's a billion times your size.
(But not really because you weigh 50 pounds.)

And I'm in such a horrible place right now because I also loved my dog unconditionally.  I just kind of pretend it didn't happen so that I don't feel it.  Except, I find myself waiting for her to meet me at the door or watch me from the backyard or run down to my room at bedtime and escape under my bed.  So then it just hurts that much more.

See, she's messed me up so badly that I didn't cry when I read The Fault in our Stars.  It's a freaking book about kids with cancer that fall in love with each other and I didn't cry.  I couldn't freaking cry because I wasted all my emotion on this dumb animal.  I've shut out most feelings and it's bad and she's just a dog, but this is more than I can handle.

I'm just afraid that this was supposed to prepare me for something greater because I've never experienced what everyone considers real loss.

I'm sorry to those of you who have experienced real loss.  Because that must be infinitely worse than this.

Because if this isn't what everyone considers real loss, I don't want to find out what real loss is.

Memoir of the Imminent

This is who I am.


And when I look back ten years from now, I don't want to see you.

I don't want to see your expectations,

your heaving sighs,

your rolling eyes.

I don't want to see your face behind mine.


I don't want to see your cowardice

or you powerless

or the way you use your weaknesses against everyone you love.


Because I don't want to see you, or much less be you.

I mean,

I don't want to be that girl who

hides under her blankets

with that lonely Pandora station playing in the background.


Because this train has left that station

and it's been derailed

and it's heading south where the sun is shining.


See, when I look back ten years from now,

I want to see someone who

knows her place

who shows her face

to all of those she feels she's disgraced.


It's like,

I want to be someone who

doesn't need to be corrected by her mother

who doesn't need scoldings from her father

when shes fighting with her mother.


I want to be someone who

gets along with her brothers

and can tell them she loves them

and isn't afraid to show up at family functions because

she's not stoned like the rest of them.


I want to be someone who

picks up the phone to

call her mistakes

and tells them she's sorry

for making them worry

but she needs to leave them behind.


See, This is who I am.

Or I guess

who I will become.


But, I'm starting with my eyes;

I'll strip away the lies

that they can't seem to stop focusing on.


I'll make my feet start walking

and my hands start talking

because even if it comes to, "Talk to the hand."

I'll still have something genuine to say.


And then I'll do a lot of work on my heart

because it's the hardest thing to restart.

It'll bleed and tear

and fill with air

until it's actually ready to rupture.


But that's okay,

because it'll understand

when the person that I want to be

will finally become who I am.

I Gave You Goodbye

He stood at the edge of the world and glanced down.  "There are better things for me," he tells the monster standing behind.

The monster, a grotesque fragment of someone he used to know, rears its head and gurgles a threatening growl.

"I don't need you anymore."

The beast cries out.

"I'm leaving you behind."  And he leaps, having little to do with faith, and falls into the unknown.

You Take Your Heart and Walk Away

I remember the way you looked at me when you said that I
broke your heart
and
left you
there to
die.
I remember that we weren't friends for a long time after.
I remember being angry that you would not let me have this,
this one story,
when you'd already had so many.
I remember that it wasn't worth it.

I remember you urging me forward;
you didn't want to pick sides,
but you said you would be on
mine.
I remember thinking that I didn't want there to be any opposition,
I didn't want you to have to choose.
(You shouldn't have had to choose.)

I remember trying spare you.
I remember failing because of that
damn smile
and those
damn words
that were
effortless.

I remember telling you what I'd heard.
I remember what a
horrible liar
you were when you said they were all
wrong.
I remember you
laughing.

I remember the year that I wasn't happy.  

I remember you digging into my 

insecurities 

and not being 

bothered to 

cover them up 

again.  

I remember when we became 

friends 

again.  

I remember you took me out, 

but just to remind me that 

he wasn't mine anymore 

and that he 

never 

was in the first place.  

I remember believing that.

I remember being

sick

of everything.

I remember how

desperate

I was to get everything back.

But I remember you telling me that

we could

never

be the same.